Tuesday, June 19, 2007


“Dreams I Will Never See”

I listen to music I have loaded on my computer at work. It’s a wide range of stuff, over 120 hours of rock, C&W, classical, opera, pop, blues, just no rap. Its on random play, which at times makes it interesting, I will go from Hells Bells by AC/DC right over to Mozarts Kyrie from his Requiem opera. But I was dwelling in a neutral mind when I heard this one, Molly Hatchets “Dreams I Will Never See”, and it reminded me of my daughter Ann.

Hold that thought, here comes a loose end.

It was fathers day this weekend, and it was also my oldest sons birthday this past Friday. So as I think of my dad, dead now some 11 years or so, I also think of my children. Well, my two living sons and my dead daughter. And they are getting old, all three of them. My oldest turned 35, dam he is getting old. What does that say about me? HA I answer, I am not that old. My youngest son will be 33 this year, and this past May 13, my only daughter would have been 30.

Still hold onto that first loose end, here is a string from that loose end.

My two sons are single. They either heard what I kept telling them many years when they were acting the way kids do when growing up, me replying “I hope YOUR kids are just like YOU” So maybe they remembered that. I was married at 20, had my son at 22, my second son at 24, my daughter at 27. I had my tubes cut when my first wife was 8 months pregnant, if we didn’t get a girl, after 3 kids, we BOTH knew it was time to “call in the dogs and pee on the fire” and “hang a lantern on it.” They have various levels of girlfriends, but they are too much into whatever they are doing now. I guess a war in a far away place, Vietnam, a place without a future, Vietnam, and a DRAFT made guys my age more motivated about life. End of that thread. Snip that sucker off. Threads gone.

Back to the original thread.

Now, as a dad, I know how my sons are, they call, they send me an e-mail at times, but I also know from my dad how his daughters; my sisters, doted on him. I don’t get doted on by my sons. I get e-mail, I get pics, I get well, guy stuff. But I don’t get doted on. And I don’t see my sons getting married. I see them BOTH being Uncle Larry’s. Uncle Larry, my namesake, my dads younger brother, a playboy ALL his life until he was like 55, when in a moment of weakness he married his latest buxom real blonde (a first for him, since all the previous ones were chemically created, DOW, modern life thru chemistry). This one was a true blue Sven and Ollie Swedish lady. But he then died soon after getting married, not helped by the fact that this Swede was right off the boat, or plane, or whatever, didn’t know jack about ambulances, (this was pre 911, the phone number, not that other 911), and didn’t speak much English. So when your having a heart attack in a NYC 15 story apartment building, you don’t get much help when your running up and down the hallways yelling in an unknown language pounding on doors in your housecoat. Uncle Larry up and died. I see my sons doing the same I am sad to say. Well, maybe they know English, but they don’t seem to anxious to get married. Not that it really bothers me, just one less thing I need to worry about, grandkids.

But, (promise, this is the end of the loose thread above) I guess I always assumed that my daughter would have gotten married, I don’t know why, especially when you consider that the reason she killed herself was over a boy. Dam, I wish I could have told her that NO MAN is worth killing yourself over, especially if they cant at least walk on real water. I guess I just assume that, that she would have married, that she would have doted on me. But anyway, lately, on fathers day, and her birthday, and death day, I see myself looking at Dreams I Will Never See.

I know for a fact what they say is true:

Loose your parents, you loose the past.

Loose your mate, you loose the present.

Loose your child, you loose your future.

And while this at times past would have caused me to shed a tear or two, after almost15 years, its easy to tell as a matter of fact. I have been without her almost as long as I have been with her. A tipping point on the scales. I have a poster of her in the shop at home, a huge 3 foot by 4 foot poster used at the trial against the counseling center she was under their care at the time she killed herself, it was her class picture taken two weeks before she ended her life, she is smiling, I see her beauty, and I see her future in the sparkling eyes, blue like mine. How could I see that face and not see the dreams I will never see.

It amazes me sometimes what thoughts music can make materialize when you least expect them. You brought a tear to my eye with this very poignant post.
All I could think of after reading your post was "bless your heart".
Wonderful post. Thank you for sharing it. And you're right. Boys don't "dote".
Six years ago when my mother (last of my parents) died, I was faced with a new and unsuspected sensation. I'd not really fallen into the biological clock cliche thing yet even though I was 31 at the time. However all of a sudden, I looked at my line behind me being truncated since I no longer had parents. And the line before me was truncated since I had no children. It was one of the most isolated feelings I've ever experienced. It has never occured to me how it must feel as a parent to have children but be unable to imagine them having kids. I can't imagine being a parent, but I'm desperate to be a grandmother. An inconvenient notion at best.

Great post. It's amazing how many people have muddled through loss and life and how events like Father's Day floats so much up to the surface.
Wow, I don't even know if I could put into words what I feel after reading that. I knew you had lost your daughter but never realized she killed herself. Big hugs to you.
Yeah, sometimes the details of life are unpleasant. She did a good enough job of hanging herself for it to be fatal to her, but it also allowed others to benefit from her choice. Her lungs, kidneys and heart were able to survive, and we donated to three people who needed them.
Larrylilly: This post made me very sad, as I have a very healthy big big 12 yr. son who is the light of my life...there is nothing you can say to a parent that has lost someone so special, nothing but I am sadden for you...with her death, she gave life and for that I know that her spirit lives on in you and in the lives of others...I do not know this kind of pain, but have been in the ER when tragity has stricken and I have been shakened more than I ever knew I would be,tested in a way and reliant on my strong faith in God...I wish there were more to say to make you feel somewhat better, but I know that words are never enough... I am thankful thus far my son has only had to listen and be torchured by my endless ranting and raving about the bad things out there like drugs and STD's...He says to me Mother..."why does my mother have to be an ER nurse"...Hopefully I will have not wrecked him up too much. I lived in Dallas for most of my early adulthood. I hope that you will stop by my blog again and maybe share a laugh or to of my mixed, up crazy, amazing life...take care
Oh wow. I'm so sorry to hear that.

I've wondered why you don't blog. I'm glad that you are trying to get back to it.

Well Larry, I took the time to read your blog and what a post to begin with.

How sad about your daughter, how eloquently you write.

I cannot imagine losing a child. How the hell do you cope with that?

I think you're probably right too, she would have married and she would have been much more likely to dote on dad too.
I attempted suicide at 25. By a strange turn, I was found and sent to the ICU.

Here's hoping that your sons will have children and you'll be doted on by them. Sounds like you'd make a great grandpa!
You are a most prolific writer. I'm so blessed to be able to remember your daughter and your life while being at the other side of the country.

I wonder how impressed your daughter would be to know that you shared a story with people all over the world! I'm sure she'd be proud of you.
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Father by suicide. No good ending like saving others lives. I am happy for you that you have that. Hugs and lots of dotting!
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